September 22, 2010
Not Another Bad Advice Column.
ASK ANYTHING
the weekly advice column
So I’m in love with this woman, right? And I know she likes me as a friend – I’m like the only person she hangs around with at all - but how can I tell her I’m looking for more? I mean, I don’t want to ruin our relationship or anything.
–Lonely in Wallachia
Dear Lonely,
She’s been into women longer than you’ve been alive. Did it ever occur to you that taking you with her on impalements was supposed to be suggestive? Just kiss her already.
HELP! My boss is nuts!
–Freaked Out in Arkham
Dear Freak,
You just figured this out? You know she knows you wrote this, right?
If you want a new job, there’s an opening in Antarctica.
Oh. Wait.
This is totally un-PC, but I don’t know what my roommate is and it’s freaking me out, especially since I think he (she? it?) is hitting on me.
–The Thing Formerly Outside the Window
Dear Thing,
Given the number of things of all kinds you’ve slept with, I don’t think it really matters, does it? If it really is bothering you and your roomie won’t give you a straight answer (and he won’t), try hiding all his clothes next time he’s in the shower.
Then you get to see whether you’re immune to his maddening flute or not.
Help! My husband’s begun writing really snarky advice columns on the sly, and his coworkers are starting to get suspicious. What do I say?
–Your Loving Spouse
Dearest husband,
I can’t believe my editor let your letter run. Please tell me you didn’t bribe him with our retirement savings…
